There was a time in my life when I was very sad, and I thought about some pretty scary alternatives. A lot of people never saw it, because I kept it locked away and only allowed it to come to surface when it was the dead of night. At school, I smiled, laughed, but in the middle of the night, when everything was quite and still, my thoughts were dark. These aren’t moments that’s I like to discuss, and sometimes I worry that my niece will go threw the same. Eventually, over time, I learned to talk to people, friends, boyfriends, I learned how to cope and how to handle my moments of darkness. Many people don’t understand the toll that bullying has on a person, even years later, when it’s ended. But for me, bullying wasn’t my only factor. People saw one thing, but my truth wasn’t in my clothes, or my shoes, I was just like everyone else, brought up in a struggling household.
It wasn’t till recently that I really realized that in those days, when I’m pretty sure I could have done worse, that I always had someone to turn to. I had friends, but I choose to keep it locked away, I still do it. When I’m having problems or heartaches, I lock it up because I think “who cares?”. They care. Hurt runs deep in my bones, it has my whole life. But if I wasn’t here, my hurt would run deep in someone else’s bones.
A girl, who unfortunately I cannot say was a friend, committed suicide a couple of months ago. Why have I wait so long to say something? Because I still have yet to come to terms with it. Because she was my friend when I felt my loneliest as a child. I hadn’t talk to her in probably 10 years, but I got a call from a friend of a friend, and she told me. My heart broke because the more I learned about her life after our friendship, the more I felt I played a part. Even though logically I had nothing to do with it, if I had stayed her friend, would she still be here? Logically, I know that it may have not changed the outcome, but now I’ll carry this burden, this hurt, this weight for the rest my life.
Cherish every moment, every first, every love, every family member and every friendship. Be the shoulder for someone to cry on, and the ear that listens. Suicide is preventable, but if that person doesn’t feel like they have anyone to turn to, well, they’ll spiral. When I look back at my short 22 years, and I think about all those times were it was the dead of night, my heart felt so empty and weighted, and I think about all the times I thought about downing a bottle of medicine or using the scissors to cut my self, I’m glad I didn’t. I’m glad, that at my worst, I had friends to help me stay grounded.
Talk to someone, if you can’t talk to your parents, talk to someone you trust, because I promise, it gets better. It gets easier. I promise doing harm to yourself or committing suicide, it’s not the answer. It solves nothing, and the end, you leave your hurt with someone else. Please, just talk to someone.
The point of this is this, sometimes life hands you hardship, and when it does you can either throw it back or you can let it drown you. Personally, I’ve never aloud what I’ve seen or been threw to define me. I have more then enough reason to feel heartache and to lash out. But I never did, I stood up and I became this girl that people now trust in and feel safe to around. When I think back 10 years, to this girl I meet and I think of how much she helped me, I feel like I failed her. I can’t change what has happened, I can’t change that we stopped talking, but I would like to think she knows that I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. I won’t make that mistake twice. To all the people reading this, no matter age, gender, race, religion, ect, I’m here.
Down below there’s going to be some websites, with numbers to call / text. If you need it, please use it.
Crisis Text Line
National Suicide Prevention Number – 1-800-273-8255
Love, Megan Anne
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