I think that when you move out of your parents home for the first time, it takes a while for you to really realize that, that home isn’t your home anymore. This probably doesn’t happen if you go off to college and live in a dorm room because you then have room to come back to. Or even if you just move out for the first time, and your parents don’t remove your room. They keep the room the way you had it, so that way you can go back to it. But, if you moved out like me, then your “home” isn’t your home anymore.
When I first moved out, I went through this whole process of processing the fact that I no longer have a “home”. Because my apartment wasn’t a home at first. All my stuff was there, and physically I knew it was my new home. But mentally my heart was still at my mom’s. The next day I came back to do laundry and I remember not really wanting to leave because it was just, weird. My brain was torn between going to the place where all my stuff was, but also staying in the place where all my things had been.
After about 2 months of living in my place to finally come to terms with the fact that my mom’s home wasn’t my home anymore. But still, it wasn’t fully there. And then, my niece moved into my old room. And everything really changed for me. I’ve never admitted this, and I probably wouldn’t be if I wasn’t writing this post.
I didn’t like my old room being changed, I was kind of jealous.
Yep. I was jealous of my 15-year-old niece moving into my old bedroom. Not because I wanted to move back in, but because it made it more official that even if I messed up so bad, and needed to move back in, I wouldn’t be able to. Granted, if I really really needed to, I know my mom would make it happen. But, I knew in the back of mind that I didn’t care, that really I was okay with it. But, there was a part of me that realized that, crap. I’m really an adult.
And I think that’s exactly what it is, that I’m finally realizing that I’m an adult and there is no going back. I can’t go back to being a teenager now, and I’m sure I’m not the only one that is going through this, and that is feeling this way. I’m sure this is what it’s like when you graduate college and get your own place. But, I’m also sure that it’s not such a drastic change, it’s probably so much less dramatic because you’ve been living on your own for months at a time. I didn’t move very far, probably only like 15 minutes away but at first, it seemed a lot farther!
Now, I’ve come to terms with the fact that my mom’s home isn’t my home anymore. My childhood home, the place I grew up, had many birthday parties, sleepovers, good times, bad time, memories in every corner, isn’t my home anymore. And I’m okay with that. Now, all I can think about is getting even further away. Before I moved out, I relied on my mom so much, for little things, but for a lot of little things. When I first moved out, I still had my moments of being dependant on her. As time has gone on, father and father away from when I originally moved out, I started depending on my mom less and less. I talk to her less, I’m learning how to do more things on my own and I can honestly say that I really don’t depend on her that much. The only thing that I really depend on her for is to do my laundry at her house. But really, everything else is on me. There were a few car repairs that I had her cover for me, but I paid her back. I didn’t just except for her to pay for them and for me to never pay them back!
So, what happens when your childhood home, no longer feels like home.
- You feel like a guest most of the time. Not an unwelcome one, but one that can stop over whenever has a key, can drink and eat your food, but you don’t really want to stay the night. Doesn’t really have anywhere to be, and really would rather not be there for an extended amount of time.
- You want to explore. I have this major want to just be somewhere different. I want to live in cities where I don’t know anyone. I want to explore things on my own, with my own time. I want to live and breath different air than anyone in my family has. I want to explore and just, be.
- You start to feel like an adult. It’s this crazy feeling when you go from being a teenager, living at home, parents paying all the bills to living on your own, paying your own bills, cleaning your own bathroom, and feeling like an adult. I truly feel like an adult. This really happened in the past 6 or so months.
- You don’t feel as homesick. Now, maybe this is just me, but personally, I don’t ever really getting homesick anymore. I don’t really feel like I have a “home base” anymore. I feel live a gypsy with a temporary home.
Have any of y’all felt this way? Like you can’t really go back to your parents but you really don’t have a home to call home yet? If you have, leave a comment! I’d love to hear about your experience!
Love, Megan Anne
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