For a while, I’ve been wanting to write this, but I just haven’t really found the courage to. If you read my blog, then you are probably well aware that I preach the single life (Single Girls Guide: Saturday Night, Single, Not Lonely, What I Don’t Have Boyfriends). I have been single since I was 18 years old, so 4 years now, and I’m perfectly fine with that. I was never the girl who went out looking for a boyfriend, and I’ve never felt that I needed one to be happy.
But what y’all don’t know is that for 4 years I did talk to someone, pretty regularly. I actually met this guy when I was 17, in high school, and still had a boyfriend. Soon after graduating, I broke up with that boyfriend, and I started talking to this guy. Now before y’all start thinking that he was my rebound or anything like that, we didn’t do anything more then go on a few dates, hang out with his friends, and text. We honestly never kissed or even almost hooked up for the first year and half of talking.
This guy was also 5 years older than me. At the time, I honestly thought it was the biggest deal, but as time went on I kind of got over it. Anyways, we had our ups and downs, and he was the world’s most confusing man every, but for the most part, we were good. Now at the beginning of us talking he did make it clear what he wanted, a “fuck buddy”. And at that time, I was so not interested in being someone girlfriend. I was 18, just graduated and all my friends were single.
So as time goes on, I get older, he gets older, we get closer. Or I thought we did. I’m a very transparent person, and when I want something I ask. When I moved out of my mom’s house and into my apartment he would come over, we watched tv, talk, whatever. We never slept together, but he continued to play that card of “I told you want I wanted in the beginning, just a fuck buddy” and we got into so many arguments because I would call him out on his bullshit (and then he would try and flip it on me).
Somewhere along the way, I feel for him. I don’t know if I was truly in love with him or if I was just on my way to being in love with him, but it happened. So now, we’ve been talking for about 3 years and we’ve only kissed and partially fooled around and dumb me thought that maybe he was changing his mind. That maybe he was actually starting to come around to want to date me or be more with me, I don’t know.
We’re talking pretty regularly, pretty much every other day, and then his friend shows up. And for some reason, he tells his friend to add me on Facebook, so whatever. I start messaging with this guy back and forth, and he’s nice but not my type. And he’s the first guy’s friend, so no thanks. Eventually I kind of mess up, and I do something stupid (that I won’t be saying here because it was so incredibly stupid), and we get into this big argument that really brings out a lot of things.
One thing that they would do, is they would get on a 3-way call and call me. One time the friend said “He’s in love with you” and I hung up because I didn’t know how to handle that. I hadn’t told a soul at this point what I was feeling because I was scared of it. I knew that I couldn’t allow myself to think about what he had said, so I blocked it out but it was always there.
We did stop talking for maybe a month, and then we hashed it out and were fine. A few months go by, and we’re fine I think. Somehow I started asking him, “why haven’t we slept together” and eventually he says “if we sleep together, you’ll fall in love with me“. I don’t think I’ll forget this text message because I knew that it probably wasn’t meant in the way I was thinking. He didn’t mean it like “I’m in love with you” way, he was just talking.
Shortly after this, I started getting weird text messages from his “friend” but I did eventually figure out that it was him. He stopped responding to me on a regular basis and it go to the point where I would text him on Friday and then he would respond like it was nothing on Tuesday. I realized that I had to move on, and it truly did and still does hurt.
I don’t know what he felt, or why we never slept together really. Maybe I’m just annoying to him, or I wasn’t good enough for him, I don’t know. I honestly hope I never run into him, because that’ll hurt. The reason I think it hurts so much is because I spent four years believe that he would eventually want something more and than he just turned into everything I hated.
It’s only been a few month now, 2 or 3 I believe, since we last talked and the only real reason I’m thinking about him is because I know his birthday is coming up soon. I can’t say that I’ve moved on, but for the most part, I am over it now.
The point of me telling this story is tell y’all that some times it’s not worth it. If you can take anything away from this story, take this:
- When he says he just want a “fuck buddy” then he probably does, and if you aren’t okay with that, walk away.
- Closure can be overrated. If I would have tried to have closure with him, I’m not sure it would have ever ended.
- Loving someone who doesn’t love you back hurts like hell, but it also shows you that if you can love the wrong person so much, you can love the right person even more.
By the way, I don’t blame most of this on him because he did tell me but at the same time his actions told something different.
If you’ve ever experienced something like, leave a comment down below and let me know how you moved on. Or did it happily ever after? I love to hear those too!
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Love, Megan Anne
<3 <3 <3