I’d be lying if I said I’ve never wanted to feel love from someone else. If be lying if I said I didn’t have a person in mind. I’d be lying if I said that when I see people out on dates and I’m sitting alone, that I don’t want that.
Here’s the thing, I may want it, but it scares me. It scares me to the core of my being to think that I could commit myself completely to someone else. That’s why I don’t go on dates, or even have a boyfriend(s), because truthfully the idea of commitment scares me.
I have commitment issues.
But it wasn’t until after high school when i became a real adult, did I realize this. I found myself finding flaws in every guy I talked to, found myself canceling dates at the last moments, to the point were I just started saying no.
But how can I want something and yet I push it so far back? It’s kind of funny, actually. I see my friends in happy relationships, having kids, and think “man, I would love to have this life” but as soon as that thought comes threw my head, I push it back. I file it away in the part of the brain labeled “DON’T LOOK HERE”.
How do you live with it? How do you get out of it or away from it? I have no idea. Honestly I ask myself that. Maybe it’s dating someone, or allowing someone to get past it all? I wish I knew, I wish that there was a simple answer, but of course there isn’t. It’s never that simple, so you live with it. You live with it, and you try and move on.
Love, Megan Anne
<3 <3 <3